Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Dec.26th, 2005

5 years ago to the date above I lost a child. It had to have been one of the more difficult things for me to go through... it has changed me forever, and it has opened my eyes to how often it happens to women.

I would NEVER ever wish that feeling of loss on anyone. It is a feeling you cannot describe and it's a feeling you go through almost alone. I had no idea then how many people I would watch go through such a loss but at least I've been able to reach out and let them know they are not alone. Because when I was going through it I felt alone.

I remember laying on my floor in our tv room just laying there watching the tv... I wasn't watching, I was just laying there being there but I wasn't there. I was empty and lost and so upset and could never imagine why God would allow for me to feel that pain. I still don't understand it. My doctor called me later that week to check up on me and he told me that it was nothing that I did, it was my bodies way of helping because it was more than likely something wrong with the baby. But still that did not ease my pain. I remember I was mad at the world, I was mad at everyone. I lashed out at people who were having babies, lashed out when I should have been there for those people. But how could I be happy for something I wanted so badly?

I often catch myself from time to time going back to that day and remembering every feeling and every emotions. I remember sitting at the top of the stairs in Mike's arms crying and sobbing and he tried so hard to comfort me but there was nothing he could do. It took us over a year to conceive again and I was so terrified that I would lose that baby to. Luckily though Annalise was born healthy and a bundle of joy! :) So everyday with my children I am thankful that I was given the opportunity to be their mother and I pray someday I'll be able to meet that baby I carried for such a short period of time. It's crazy to me how much I desperately loved that baby and how desperately I wished I could have held that baby in my arms...

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas!

I hope that everyone has a very wonderful and Merry Christmas!!!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Over it...

I totally told Mike today that I do not want ANYTHING for Christmas... And he thinks that's wrong I should have to open something. But truthfully with out any drama or attention involved I really don't want anything.

I'm sorta over the Christmas thing. I don't know what it was but something just totally knocked the wind out of it for me. It's lost the warm and fuzzy feeling I've always remembered and is far to focused on gifts. All I want to do is watch my children open their gifts and see their joy and excitement... but I do not want anything and I do not need anything. SERIOUS!

I'd rather not buy anyone any gifts, I'd rather it be more meaningful. I'm working on a few HANDMADE gifts... I hope I get the feeling of Christmas back...

Friday, November 26, 2010

Here's a thought...

How did we go from "Thanksgiving"... spending time with all the ones we love and being thankful for family and togetherness... to "Black Friday" which I feel is full of greed and the complete opposite of being Thankful... It's crazy how fast it changes from one day to the next.

I knew there was a reason I didn't go spend all my money on Black Friday... instead I continue the being Thankful part and spend it with the people who are most important to me, 'My family'!

Just a thought, but where has the 'meaning' of Christmas gone?

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Depression revelation...

So as I've mentioned before... I have struggled with depression (have I mentioned that?) Well just recently my prescription ran out and my doctor would not refill it until I came to see him and have a check up. For one reason or another I do not have millions of dollars (ok $50) to go get a check up. So I just stopped taking my pills. That's not a good idea since I've been on those pills close to a year and they have to lower your doses instead of dropping cold turkey! (I sound like I have a drug problem).

Well withdrawals haven't been bad and I've been off of them two weeks or more. And to be completely honest here since I'm putting it all out there... I'M HAPPY! I have had moments of just feeling good and feeling happy and not having my bouts of depression and crying. Maybe it was the damn pills. Now I don't necessarily believe that because I have struggled with depression for a long time. But maybe just maybe I'm finally at a good place with myself. Of course I'm gonna have issues and I'm gonna have times where it rears it's ugly head. But I think I've faced enough in my life to know how to handle and address it as best as I can.

I'm happy (can you believe it) about this revelation... I'm glad I'm able to move on from this chapter. It may come to a point in my life where I'll need to take them again, but at least I know that it's not something I need all the time to keep my 'happy', I am happy! or more so I'm content with myself and that has been a hard one for me to wrestle with.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Prayers, love, life...

So I have read yet another blog about a child who is very very very ill. Go to this PAGE and read all about it. Reading things like this make me feel horrible, especially after a two day spout with my 3 year old. But after reading what this family is going through it takes me back and puts me in check. How can I get so frustrated with my child and get angry and need a time out from my kids when someone else is barely going to have anytime with their children.

Taking things into perspective and loving on my children a little more than usual. You never know when something like this can happen to those you love so dearly!

Take a time out to love on the ones you love, I know I will!

Monday, September 27, 2010


I am now officially 30 years old... I dreaded the day but it didn't turn out to bad. You know minus a few extended family drama's but nothing Mike and I can't handle. But in all it was a great day. Jared had another game (which they lost terribly). Then Mike, the kids and I went to garage sales. After that we took the kiddo's to the Sis in Laws (Thanks Mandy so much) and she watched the kids while Mike and I went to dinner. We don't get away from the kids often enough... but when we do it's so nice and so peaceful. It was a great dinner and I even had a beer. I don't drink so I was pretty much buzzin when we left!

So I had a great birthday and I spent it with my family. So here's to a new chapter in my life, here's to happier days and making the best of what I have... and to be honest I have a lot of great things and people in my life... I have so much to be THANKFUL FOR!!!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Oh the joy...

It's been a crazy couple of weeks. Jared and football, me and work and well me and my birthday!

The cool thing though is I got to get my present early. I picked a Kindle... I love my kindle, now I just have to find good books to fill it with. You have any idea's please share with this old lady...

And by old I mean 30. I seriously cannot believe that I am going to be 30 on Saturday. I'm sorta in denial about the whole thing. I know that age is just a number, but come on when you are in your teens and twenties 30 is a big deal. I'm a serious grown-up that does not feel like a grown-up one bit. I have all the things a grown-up should want. House, car, kids, dog... blackberry (oh my gosh)... but seriously I still feel 12. How is that possible?

Well not much else to say so there you have it probably the last post I'll ever write in my twenties again! Hope you all are well...

Friday, September 10, 2010

3rd grade and Football!

So above is my 3rd grader. This is the only picture he would let me take and I'm not pleased with this one as it is! He does NOT like me taking his picture and he hardly even let me walk him to school. I swear I am not one of those moms, I just like to go with my kid on the first day of school. I have since he was in Kindergarten... but this year it made him very angry with me!
Anyway my little boy isn't so little anymore...
He is a very very busy guy! He started 3rd grade and then we threw him into football last minuet. Although he doesn't know much about it he's starting to like it and yesterday I was able to go to one of his practices. I watched my little baby boy get tackled and you know what? I CRIED! I did and I quickly wiped my tears so my son and my husband did not see because they would not understand. But he (Jared) is my first born the reason I am a mother. And to watch someone take my son down to the ground with all his force hurt me probably more than it hurt him, but either way my job is to protect my son not allow others to kick his butt. Jared is a bit skittish about tackling other's but I told him last night he has full permission from me to just tackle someone straight to the ground- "KICK THERE ASS JARED! But once they are down it's done walk away!" He laughed at me!!!
So we are in for a busy year, which I'm enjoying already except getting up earlier sucks! I sorta liked being able to sleep in, it's been a long time since I can say that happened. So I'll try and get some pictures up of my football player, his first game is this Saturday. I am proud of the little man he is becoming as much as I'd like for him to stay little I am very proud of who he is!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Happy Happy Joy Joy...

"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections." -Unknown

So I published my last blog and realized that I'm starting to get stuck in the negativity... the negativity is what feeds my depression and feeds the hostility in this situation. So I need to get back into the mindset that THIS TO SHALL PASS and this is not going to effect me... I'm turning my frown upside down and walking past the shit with my nose held high no matter how bad it stinks!

I will smile even if its hard. I will speak with love and respect, even if it's not returned. I will keep my head held high no matter how hard people try to take me down. I will come home to the people who matter the most to me and leave the shitty world at my door to deal with another day!


Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are. -Bertold Brecht

I wish people could except change. I wish that a situation I'm in right now wasn't taking up so much of my thought process and effecting me so much when it's barely a huge part of my day. But when you HAVE to surround yourself with such immaturity and such unwillingness to except things like change... it effects me on such a deep level... and it HONESTLY pisses me off!

I've NEVER known life to stay the same and I've always learned that you go with the punches and you go with the flow. I've always excepted change (maybe not liked it, but what can you do?), it's a way of life... isn't it? Life isn't easy, I've learned that all to well... but I've managed to get through it and I'm not even half way through it! But I feel like I have a better understanding of life and changing than someone I have to surround myself with... it has got to be one of the most frustrating and annoying things ever.

How do you just continue through your day and not let immature people effect you? How do you do what you do and not let people try to break you and take you down? Why does such petty and immature things effect me so much?

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

On a kick about Maturity, enjoy!

"Maturity is the ability to think, speak, and act your feelings within the bounds of dignity. The measure of your maturity is how spiritual you become during the midst of your frustrations! --Samuel Ullman

So I'm dealing with some things in my life that are very IMMATURE. I had no idea (or maybe I did) that people sometimes never really grow up. I'm not even talking the kid at heart, the ones who enjoy there lives. I deal with many different types of people every single day and I can honestly say that I can deal with them like anything else, with a grain of salt and for what it is. Who knew that actually being human could be so hard, or acting your age could be so difficult. The one thing this lesson has taught me is how people perceive you and your actions. I am a very emotional person. My tear ducts are directly connected to every single emotion I ever get. I am easily angered... but more than that I love people usually for who they are until they turn into complete jackasses and then GOOD BYE!!!

I usually take life as it comes but a lot of the time life takes me down full force. I think someone was brought into my life to show me the EXTREMES of my weaknesses... And boy am I so over it and so working on the things that I struggle with, because this is absolutely the most immature thing I've ever had to be involved with. I've actually learned to smile when things get tough, laugh it off and NOT TAKE IT SO DAMN PERSONAL! In this craziness I've turned to quotes that help me put it all into perspective (read above quote)... Here are a few more.

"The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not BLAME them on your mother, the ecology, or the President. You realize that you control your own destiny!" --Albert Ellis

And one more for the day...

"The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." --Carlos Castaneda

It's funny how one completely annoying thing can actually bring light to your own struggles and in a sense or in my situation make you more mature than someone who is wel my ELDER! :)

Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Last Song...

I watched The Last Song last night... I've wanted to see this movie since I read the book. The book seriously brought me to tears and I cried, more like sobbed the last half of the book.

This however is a good example of the difference between a really GREAT book and a good movie that is NOTHING like the book. It disappoints me every single time but I made a promise to myself that I would always read the book before I watched the movie. I had expected more out of this movie, not because of the actress but because of the book itself. It had a lot more behind it than just a 'romance'... it touched me pretty deeply. The movie barely touched it. It was good but doesn't even compare to the book.

So I love the book and like the movie and totally dislike Miley Cyrus's acting!!! If you've seen the movie or read the book I'd like to hear your input, comments open I'd love to hear what you thought!!!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

One after...

...another in the blog world. First a brand new baby passes on and now a 25 yr old has cancer. She has 2 babies for goodness sake. It just breaks my heart.

I get so overwhelmed when I read about others going through such horrible things. My heart totally breaks for these people, these people I don't even know. Then like today when I was reading of this 25 year old wife and mother who just found out she has cancer I stop with my eyes filled with tears and try and look at my life for a minuet.

What in the hell would my family do without me, and I seriously cannot imagine my life without them. Would they really know how much I truly love them and how much they truly changed my life? Would they know that I could not imagine my life without them? Would they know that even though mommy has her crazy moments she wouldn't change those crazy moments for no moments at all without them?

Sometimes I truly question why people have to go through all this pain and loss. And I truly pray with all my being that I do not have to suffer through such a loss. I know at some point in my life something will happen and I'll have to endure it, but PLEASE not anytime soon. I just need to totally 100% turn my life only to my family and my children and to me and live like tomorrow would not be here. Live so we have memories and happiness and not frustration and fear... but it's so hard!

I have to remember what's really important in my life and what I really could not live without!

Friday, August 13, 2010

Can I just say...

My daughter is 2, she is going to be 3 in October. And she is potty trained. (knock on wood- cause if this jinx's it I'm gonna be pissed)... I've waited a couple of months to post this but it sorta just happened and I'm honestly not sure how. She wears undies all day and pull ups at night. I am so happy to be out of poopy diapers, you have no idea. This brings on the fact though that I will not be having anymore babies... that is sad. I really really love babies and I love my babies. I tried to convince Mike we needed to have another, but I know that 2 is enough. It is far more stressful than I ever imagined it would be... but I wouldn't trade my two for the world.

So I am officially done with diapers now I just have to get her done with the pull-ups at night. That I'm not sure of how to do. She sometimes will wake up dry but most nights she is wet. She doesn't have much to drink before bed, but it's been so hot at night I have to let her drink a little so she isn't all sweaty or dehydrated. So we'll work slowly on this one.

I just wanted to toot the horn of the potty training cause I did not training. Actually to be honest both kids were pretty easy to potty train. I must say my kiddo's are pretty freaking smart! But I don't like to brag! :)

Monday, August 2, 2010

Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting an upward battle and I feel that the battle is starting to kick my ass. Sorry for the harsh words but if ever I was on a rope I'd be at the end of it. I love that I have this blog to let somethings out, but I don't feel like I can completely let it out. Oh wouldn't you love to hear what I have to say?

All I know is that money is the root of all evil, and it brings me to tears. There is no easy way to work a marriage and money. We've tried it all. But half the problem is the lack of 'team' in this and it stems much further than just money but also relationship.

I know that all things are a work in progress and I do hope that 'This Shall Pass'...

I go through days where I just feel like I'm swimming in my head and I have so many battles I feel like I have to battle. I feel like my wheels are spinning and nothing is happening. I am turning 30 and I feel at such a dead end. What has my life been, what am I doing with my life, where am I going? Does everyone do this when they turn 30? I feel like I'm having a mini life crisis. I feel like I'm going nuts! :)

Thursday, July 29, 2010


Our summer has been crazy but it's been good. I've been making a very active effort to get my kids out and doing things. I tend to be a hermit when it comes to life. But I promised my kids to go out and do some things. We've made lists and we've drawn them in the order we'll do then (for the weekends). Although I have not actually don't them in the order or when we said we would. We've actually gone out and done a lot of the things I said we would. We went to the zoo about 2 or 3 weeks back. Although I do not like the Pointe Defiance Zoo... the kids always love it and at the end I'll sit and watch the kids play in the play area for a good hour to get all their energy out. But it's a fun time no matter what we do!

I did adventure out with just me and the kids to the North West Trek. I tend to not like to do things on my own with me and just the kids. I usually like to have others with me to help with extra eyes and I do not always like to go places alone (not sure why). But I packed the kids in the car on probably the hottest day this July and we were off. We had a long but awesome day and I'm glad I did that. It was so crazy hot though that I was sick by the time we got home and was sick for the next day after that. Next time I either need to not go on the hottest day or bring lots and lots of water. But in all it was a great day with my two kids who bring so much joy into my life I cannot explain it!

Almost every day we go to the park and a few times I've gone I've met other moms. So hopefully I'm gonna have some friends here in this area and an outlet for me and people to talk to.

So I could say that I've enjoyed my summer with the kids. Jared has been away this week at his Grandma's so we'll be heading north to get him this weekend and I'll hopefully have something planned to do with them up north. I'm trying to make the most out of the life I've been given and get out and enjoy this 'life' a little more than I ever have. I am still dealing with the daily battles of course but someday some how I will always be happy and go lucky! I am going to be happy with me myself and I and I'm going to wake up everyday with a smile and I'm going to thank my lucky stars for the life I've been given. And really I do feel all those things, just not everyday or every moment. I am a work in progress but I've made huge steps over the past couple of months and I am proud of myself!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Remember me...

Remember me... I watched this movie this weekend. I wasn't sure what to expect. I know that I love Robert Pattinson... but his acting isn't the best. This movie I thought was gonna be the normal romance with the happy ending. The movie was a little boring and it was hard to keep my interest. But I do not like to give up on movies that easy. I watched it all the way to the end and I'm glad that I did. All I can say (in case you haven't seen it)... is I was completely speechless after.

I love when a movie can make you think to what is important and what your life means. Anything can happen at any minuet and you better hope the people you love know you love them to. I wish I could put into more profound words what this movie meant to me but I really don't want to ruin the movie for people who haven't seen it yet. But my word to you is go see it. It's not a top 10 kind of movie, it's a pull on the heart strings and make you love life kind of movie.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

8 years ago...

I became a mother. 8 years ago my water broke and for roughly 20 hours I waited and waited for this little man to make his entrance... After a tiny bit of time having my first c-section my little man made me a mother!

8 years has surely flown by. It's hard to look back on the past 8 years and not wonder where it all went. There has been ups and downs and all the in betweens. Kindergarten, First Grade, Second Grade and now we are moving onto 3rd. I did not realize how fast the time would go, I am so proud of my son. He amazes me every single day. And although he is growing to be a young little man, he'll always be my baby boy! My baby boy who changed my world forever!!!

Jared- I love you more than words could ever express. Thank you for giving me the joy of watching you grow every single day. You changed my world in more ways then you will ever know and I wouldn't change one single moment for anything in the world! Happy Birthday Baby!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

I'm sad, but thankful!

I'm not sad for my normal reasons of self inflicting pain. I'm sad because I got sad news from someone dear to me and my family. Although it's not my story to tell I'll be brief in what I say. All I know is that it makes me hug my children a lot closer knowing it could be gone in a minuet!

Someone who has grown a spot into our family (our nanny) is going through some extreme pain along with her family. Her nephew is in the hospital and it's not looking good. He is on life support and from what she says- he needs a miracle! One small thing can turn into one horrible thing and I CANNOT even imagine the pain that little boys parents feel or that huge HORRIBLE decision they have to make. It makes my heart hurt in extreme ways to even fathom making that decision for my children. I wonder sometimes what God is thinking when things like this happen to ones so little with no voice, and no choice! I guess I can only have faith that he knows what he's doing, but that one is hard to swallow. It makes the things I struggle with on a daily basis seem so insignificant compared to what a lot of parents have to go through and it makes me feel so selfish.

So today I'm saying a prayer for this tiny little baby that only God can help now... I will love my children with even more passion and thank my lucky stars for the life I've been given and the children who were given to me!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


Hello my blogger friends and buddies!!! I hope that everyone had a wonderful fourth of July!

We did. We went to Steamboat Island to a private beach party (oohh high class)... but if you'd seen the people there you would think otherwise. Anyway it was great. We spent the day eating, drinking and playing games. Come night fall we watched some fireworks and headed home. It was CRAZY cold for a fourth of July... colder than I remember! Anyway it was a great time and the kids had an even better time!

Nothing new to report or post. Things are moving forward as life would have it. I'm taking one day at a time and going from there. I have to say that today is going to be a HOT one and today I'm glad that I work, even if it's for 4 hours... it'll be four hours in a nice cool room. I feel bad for Mike and the kids. They'll have to suffer while momma takes a breath of cold air! :)

Anyway I'm gonna start working on my posts about the books I've been reading. Can't wait to start that! Have a absolutely fantastic day!

Friday, July 2, 2010

Letting it all go and living for ME...

There's a couple things going on. First my happiness moment. I have ached to have it back. I don't like feeling lost and sad and overwhelmed. I crave to feel that again. But I let people effect me way to much so in letting people effect me and hurt me I lose that LOVING feeling. I let someone get to me yesterday and I was so overwhelmed with sadness, over something I couldn't control or something I really can't care that much about. With that being said I let the sadness happen, I thought about it and today I feel better!

I even felt a little bit of that happiness again while I sat and watched my daughter blow bubbles. It's the small things I'm noticing that are bringing the biggest parts of joy in me. Who would have thought it would be the small things in life that would make you the happiest!? Why do I always look for the big things, the hardest to achieve to make me happy? Or why do I even try to be happy, why don't I just let myself be happy! I struggle with ME on a daily basis and it's me I have to deal with. My moment of sadness yesterday brought that to the surface again.

I AM NOT GOING TO LET PEOPLE AND THEIR ACTIONS AND THEIR WORDS AND THEIR HEARTS EFFECT ME, MY HAPPINESS AND MY HEART! (although it's easier said then done, I really have to start living that!) I can't keep wishing for the could have been's or the I wishes... I just really really have to live for right now. And right now I am all I have... me and my children are my focus and once I can get that all figured out the rest will fall into place. I do believe that, but it's scary to let go of all the other things you have focused on for so long! So SCREW the people who hurt me either by choice or not... screw the people who have my broken little heart in their hands... screw the people who would rather see me fail then succeed... I'm not saying these people totally exist in my life, but for anyone who wants to F**K with me... well go ahead and try but I'm done being a go to for your broken heart for your loneliness, for your outlet... and I'm tired of reaching out to those who could really give a f**k. I have to live with me so I'm gonna start liking/loving me and living for me!


Second part of this post. I've been reading A LOT lately. So I want to share the books I've read and what I've gotten out of those books. I love reading, I love losing myself in those worlds. It turns my brain off from the current reality of my life and lets my brain focus on something else. So I'm gonna start blogging about the journey's I've taken in these books and what I've gotten out of it. So I hope you enjoy!

I really hope that everyone who reads my blogs enjoys their 4th of July... Have a safe and wonderful weekend! I'm going to try for that as well! HERE'S TO A BETTER LIFE!!!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

A smile from inside-

Yesterday I took an inventory of my emotions. I've struggled with them as some of you know. I have felt lost, I've felt lonely and I've felt a ton more emotions!

I decided about a month ago that I was done feeling sorry for myself (sorta) and I was gonna turn my frustrations and love towards the two people who deserved it the most. My kids (and me, I deserve my love)... Well yesterday and I'm not sure when this was, but for a moment I truly felt happy.

I've been frustrated with Mike and some things that go along with that. But for the most part I felt a sense of happiness, my insides actually smiled. I didn't really know that could happen! :)

I am by no means cured of the struggles I'm going through. But I have done a lot of soul searching and decision making and for once a peace was about me that I enjoyed. So I'm hoping that was a stepping stone to better things. I'm also excited for summer because I am making an active effort to get out and do more things with my kids. We have already two weekends in a row so I'm proud of myself. If anyone has any good summer ideas please let me know!

Monday, May 24, 2010


I'm going to start living. I know this may seem weird to some, but I sorta live in this cocoon of life. I'm so overwhelmed with where my life is. I thought I was making good changes, but instead I'm just over thinking everything.

My new agenda is this. I'm going to LIVE life. I'm not going to worry about what everyone else is doing and what everyone else is doing with out me. Instead I'm going to pick my children up and live through them. They are not going to fix me, but I'm going to be the mother they deserve. I'm going to watch every smile and listen to every laugh and remember that they are my children and they deserve to be happy as much as I do. They ARE the reason I wake up every morning, they are the reason I am alive. I want to see the world through their eyes, because right now they only see the good. It's sad that I have to see the world for the broken place it has become. But WHY cannot I live like they do? They are my anti-depressant!

So starting now the kids and I are going to start getting out and doing things and explore this place. I don't know what to do around here, but we'll figure it out. I'm going to break out of this damn comfort zone I have and break out into this world. No one said it was easy, although I wish it was. But someone told me something that sorta hit a nerve and I have to pick myself up, it's time.

'Don't judge me because you don't know me, just listen because that's what I need. Pick me up when I've fallen but don't put bandages on my knees... I have to start feeling the pain in order for me to heal.'

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

First I'll start by saying that I have been blogging, but not publishing them. I have a lot of things going on in my head right now and it's probably a good thing I don't post it all... But today I'm going to post.

I'll start with one awesome thing. My daughter is AMAZING!!! Every time music comes on, if I'm searching the web or what not we totally break out and dance and sing. It's the funniest thing and makes me so happy. I love love love my daughters personality and it brings out the best in me. She is the BEST anti-depressant out there. So if you need a little uplift for the day come dance and shake your booty with my daughter!

Onto something that really bothers me and has for a long time. I've said it before on previous posts, but why in the hell do the things I post here or on facebook or myspace effect people. I see post from people on a daily basis talking about how crappy their day has been or that they are sad, or whatever it might be... do they get as much crap as I do for posting that stuff? And do I really care, NO NO NO! Every time someone makes a comment about me bitching or complaining, I go through and look at posts and really truthfully all I'm being is honest. Do people not except honesty? And do I really care? Again, NO NO NO!

All I'm doing right now is venting, cause I am so sick of it. I have started to remove and block people who can't except me for me. I'm not all butterflies and flowers... giggles and laughs. I'm real and I'm going through real shit. I'm not gonna post lies and fake stuff just to spare people my reality. Granted I don't post all the crap I'm going through, but it's nice to be able to get stuff off your chest/mind and sometimes have people give you advice or encouragement.

So as I've said before. If you don't like the things I write, the comments I make, or the reality I put out there, THEN STOP READING MY CRAP!!! It should not effect you that much that you have to make a comment about it on my page or through an email or to someone else. Keep it to yourself. I live my life for me, for my children, not for you and your benifit. I don't live my life through rose colored glasses either!!! So either deal with what I have to say or move onto someone else!

Ok I feel better... Now I'm gonna go rock out with my daughter!!!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I wish...

So I've decided that I'm making some big changes in my life. I seriously wish that I could tell you what all those changes are. But one, I don't know what they all are and two I don't know who reads this and I need to keep some things private until they are completely figured out.

The one I will share with you now is that I've taken up POWER walking, and a short sprint (run)... I say short because the first day I tried to run I thought I was going to die. NO JOKE! I couldn't breath and I was so mad at myself. So instead of running I just power walked. I did that two days in a row and I was sooooo sore after. But I was happy that I was sore because that meant that I was doing something right. The only thing that I am not enjoying is the pain I have in my shins. It's sooo hard.

After the two days of walking I got sick. I had one of the worst migraines I've had in a long time and nothing I did would make it go away. So for two and a half days I did nothing, no walking just was in pain. This morning I awoke again at 6am determined to walk and my shins hurt so freaking bad again that I couldn't go as long as I had the first 2 days. I hope that this gets better, because this is something I want and need really bad. I have a lot of things to sort out in my life and my brain... walking/running is going to help me at least clear my head and get some perspective (I hope), at least a dear friend of mine has told me that it would.

As for the other stuff. I'll go into little detail. I've posted that I struggle with depression. Well I'm on medication to help that, but my doctor suggested that I make some life style changes... hence the running/walking. But I also need to figure out who I am. Because I feel like I've lost myself. I feel like I have NO idea who I am. I wasn't sure what or when or how I lost me, but I'm so sad that that has happened. So in another part of my BIG CHANGES, I'm going to work on finding me and what makes me tick and how I can make me happy again. In order for my life to be stable and everyone to be happy, I need to be happy first. I think last night I was able to pinpoint one reason for my unhappiness and my untrust in life. But that is one thing I cannot blog about because I do not want to hurt anyone that it involves. The only thing I'll say about that, is that it was a while back and it was a HUGE mile marker in my life and some others as well.

So there you know a little of what is going on in my life, and I say little cause you have NO IDEA how crazy it has been. But I'm hoping that I'll get back into blogging and getting some of this shit off my chest, God knows I need to get it off my chest. I wish I didn't have to filter it so much, so maybe you'll get parts of it and a personal journal will get the rest!

Thanks for listening, or reading I guess!!!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010


Yesterday Mike and I were going through stuff in the garage. I came across some stuff from my 'past', my childhood, my high school years.

I had this scrapbook that I made from memories and old boyfriends... It actually made me cry. I remembered the pains and the joys I went through when I was younger. I am so thankful I don't have to go through all the dating and breaking up. But for some reason it made me sad to remember all that stuff that I went through.

I love memories and I'm glad that I kept that stuff. But it was just weird remembering them again. I read some of my old poems and they were good, but they were so dark and so sad. Was I really always that sad, maybe my depression stems way back...

Anyway, it was interesting opening that part of my past that I shut away so long ago!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Here you go...

I'm not sure where I start with this blog... this has been something in my life since I met Mike and always something I've wondered about... Let me go back a step further and I'll explain. But I'm gonna be honest that I'm not gonna say to much about the whole story of 'before' cause it's not my story to completely tell.

Mike has a dad! You might think that's funny, but really it's not. When I met Mike shortly after that I met his whole family. His mom, and his 3 sisters. But I NEVER met his dad. We would talk briefly about him but his dad "hated" all of them so it was likely that I'd never know him and Mike would never want to know him again. It's not that tragic of a story, the details I'll spare but we'll just say that Mikes dad did not take kindly to his wife getting a divorce from him and some other things that happened... but that's just the way things happened and well get over it. It didn't just start then, it probably started when Mike was 11 or 13, I can't remember to much of the details but his Dad ended up being a pretty mean guy.

I don't know why I couldn't grasp how Mike never wanted to know anymore about his dad or ever wondered how he was. I guess maybe because I really had a wonderful dad I just couldn't imagine the void of not having a dad... but I've gone 7+ years thinking often of Mikes dad and wondering of the void left in each of his kids lives since he could care less about them, or the fact that he has 4 grandkids. He often has said that he doesn't have kids to the faces of his children.

So my thoughts of this only grew stronger as soon as we moved down in the same town that his father lives. I'd always hoped to run into him or at least see him. I've never even seen him besides pictures. His other siblings see him around town all the time, when we eat at this famous breakfast place I will look out the window and look at his house where he lives, because I know where he lives and it's right across the street from the place we go to eat sometimes. I don't talk to Mike about this often, because he DOES not understand and does not care to ever see him again.

Well this brings you current and then it'll explain to you what happened to me Friday night. I really wanted to go see a movie so I invited my sis in laws. We went to dinner and then headed to the movies... our luck though it was sold out. So we needed to find something else to do because we are moms and it was a night out without kids and we needed the night out. We decided to go to the Casino and gamble... We didn't know that walking into those Casino doors would cross something off my list of things I either need to do or wanted to do.

There was his dad sitting at a table playing Keno with his girlfriend Ana. She knows one of my sis in laws from where she works and that is a whole other story. But we stopped for a second to say hello and their dad of course said nothing. We were headed to the bathroom so we scooted along. We stood there in shock about who we had just run into... and then Ana came in and told us that it would be a good idea if we stop by and talk with them on our way out... if we didn't mind.

So we talked with him briefly and so I finally met his Dad...

Where we go from here I won't know cause Mike does NOT want him in our lives... but I'll take it for what it is now and we'll see what happens in the future!!!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


So I haven't had the time to update from my last blog I am so sorry.. It is almost complete and I will post it soon!


Saturday, February 6, 2010


I have an interesting post that I'm going to be "posting" soon. I just wanted to give you guys a heads up!!! It's gonna be a good one!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Sitting at work...

This four hours of work thing today is dragging on!!!

Lots on my mind, lots to do at home... wishing things were easier and money grew on tree's!

Saturday, January 16, 2010

The new year...

I've been wanting to post something for a while, but I've had such a block. I've been overwhelmed with not working, trying to get a job and figure out what is right to do for our family. I honestly believe with ALL my heart that I'm supposed to be home with my children, but I also know that I have to make some money for our family so we have a home to live in! :) Where is the middle ground here? My husband is unhappy with his job and he wants to make a change, but he's the one that makes the most money so if he did something drastic we would be hurting.

I just feel all the pressure to find something and do something. I had another interview at SF and I thought for sure that I got the job. However I again did not. It just pisses me off, the one and only place I would like to work at will not hire me. So I've decided I'm done trying to work there. I just wish I could figure something out that I could do at home and still make money.


Other than that everything is good. The kids are great and love me being home. Jared is doing good in school, making good decisions and I'm proud of him. Annalise is getting so big and she is so smart and she amazes me everyday! Mike is almost finished with the hunting season (yeah maybe my garage won't smell like ass any longer!), but he's had a great hunting season. He will be leaving next week for training in Colorado (like last year). So it'll just be me and the kids for the week...

Other than that nothing else to really report on. I will try and keep up on this more, but I appreciate all who read this, I really do!

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year!

We had a wonderful Christmas, much different than a lot of our past Christmas'... but it was great. I have NO pictures to post since my camera had no charge, and I couldn't find the cord. GREAT!!!

As for 2009, SEE YA! You brought many great things and many annoying things. But like every other year we've managed to make it through all in tact!!! Thank you so much!

Now on to 2010... may you be a great year for our family and may only good things come our way!!!