Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I wish...

So I've decided that I'm making some big changes in my life. I seriously wish that I could tell you what all those changes are. But one, I don't know what they all are and two I don't know who reads this and I need to keep some things private until they are completely figured out.

The one I will share with you now is that I've taken up POWER walking, and a short sprint (run)... I say short because the first day I tried to run I thought I was going to die. NO JOKE! I couldn't breath and I was so mad at myself. So instead of running I just power walked. I did that two days in a row and I was sooooo sore after. But I was happy that I was sore because that meant that I was doing something right. The only thing that I am not enjoying is the pain I have in my shins. It's sooo hard.

After the two days of walking I got sick. I had one of the worst migraines I've had in a long time and nothing I did would make it go away. So for two and a half days I did nothing, no walking just was in pain. This morning I awoke again at 6am determined to walk and my shins hurt so freaking bad again that I couldn't go as long as I had the first 2 days. I hope that this gets better, because this is something I want and need really bad. I have a lot of things to sort out in my life and my brain... walking/running is going to help me at least clear my head and get some perspective (I hope), at least a dear friend of mine has told me that it would.

As for the other stuff. I'll go into little detail. I've posted that I struggle with depression. Well I'm on medication to help that, but my doctor suggested that I make some life style changes... hence the running/walking. But I also need to figure out who I am. Because I feel like I've lost myself. I feel like I have NO idea who I am. I wasn't sure what or when or how I lost me, but I'm so sad that that has happened. So in another part of my BIG CHANGES, I'm going to work on finding me and what makes me tick and how I can make me happy again. In order for my life to be stable and everyone to be happy, I need to be happy first. I think last night I was able to pinpoint one reason for my unhappiness and my untrust in life. But that is one thing I cannot blog about because I do not want to hurt anyone that it involves. The only thing I'll say about that, is that it was a while back and it was a HUGE mile marker in my life and some others as well.

So there you know a little of what is going on in my life, and I say little cause you have NO IDEA how crazy it has been. But I'm hoping that I'll get back into blogging and getting some of this shit off my chest, God knows I need to get it off my chest. I wish I didn't have to filter it so much, so maybe you'll get parts of it and a personal journal will get the rest!

Thanks for listening, or reading I guess!!!