Helpless and Heartbroken...

I watched a documentary today... I've been watching them a lot. This one was called 'The Devil Came on Horseback'... This was about what is going on in Darfur.

I don't know why (well I do know why) I hide myself away so much from what is going on in the world. But I do know why... Things effect me very very very much. I get crazy scared feelings of bad things happening, it cripples me and I'm scared for me and my family. So I tend to take steps away from the news and the things that go on to protect my thoughts and to "protect me". I am not sure why I've gotten so into these documentaries. I've watched a lot about Iraq and the wars going on there, I've watch them on our Government, I've watched them about the food we eat. And can I just say right now that...

WE LIVE IN A VERY F'D UP WORLD! I am so sick to my stomach from the things I've been learning and the things I've seen and I am scared to my core about where this is all heading. Maybe I need to reassess where I am at in my life, maybe the things I learned in church needs to be back into my current life now. I remember when I was a junior in high school I went on a mission trip to Mexico and dug poop ditches for the people in this small town and helped build a youth church... and I played games with the little kids in Mexico. I saw a part of the world I hadn't and I was a part of it for such a small time, but those images and those people still are in my thoughts on a constant basis.

Watching the one on Darfur reminds me of the things I learned in school and a report I did on Rwanda... I wish I had the right words to describe the movie, or to describe my thoughts now. But I pray with all my soul and all my heart and all my being that my son and daughter do not ever have to see or deal with any of this... I know they will but I wish this world could offer more than these horrid images and these horrid things in this life.

It makes me thankful for ALL the things I have in my life and all the things I take for granted. It makes me thank my ever loving lucky stars that I can (for the most part) be free and safe and warm and not hungry! Yes I have struggles and a lot of us do... but really in comparison to what the people in Darfur are going through, the people in Iraq... the people EVERY WHERE. My heart is so broken for the families that get killed and the innocent children that get killed, burned, shot, beaten, raped. I mean seriously babies, children... women, men. The sicker thought on this is that it's another human that is doing this to these people, AND FOR WHAT- WHAT? The color of their skin, their religion... SERIOUSLY WHAT? I wish with all I have that me one person could do enough in this world to rid some of this stuff, I wish I could do something... I feel I have to do something, I need to do something. But watching these documentaries I get angry because I have no idea how to do anything, I don't know where to begin... and I'm angry that people even let this continue. I have often caught myself saying- "Why is it the USA's responsibility to help!" Why can't they just figure it out themselves, why do we have to send our troops our loved ones to help such a messed up place?... But I take it back, if we can we should because babies are dying... little kids, moms and dads. It's not just the 'bad' people that are getting taken out, it's not just the bad versus the good, the president versus the military (whatever)... it's INNOCENT people trying to live their lives like you and I...

I am at such a loss with this, I feel like this blog is going no where... but I am so broken and hurt at this moment that I wish wish wish I could do something. For now I'll go cry and pray for those babies, those babies that could be our babies... those children that want nothing more in this world than to grow up and live the life they deserve... because EVERYONE DESERVES TO LIVE THE LIFE THEY WERE MEANT TO LIVE!!!

Interesting...

I just noticed on blogger that it tracks how many people view my blog and where abouts... most people are from America... but some are from Denmark, and a few other places. Here's what I would like to know. If so many people are reading my blog, why not leave a comment or two? I'd love to hear from my readers and I'd love input.

I thank you all for reading hopefully it's worth the read!

Learning...

I don't know why but I've been watching a lot of documentaries lately. Mike had me watch one the other night called- Capitalism- A love story. After watching said show I came to the conclusion that I am very naive when it comes to the Government and the things that go on in our world. There are several reasons for this. One I didn't think it really mattered, that whatever was happening wouldn't effect me. Second when I did learn these things or saw things like Hurricane Katrina etc... I go into a panic and I totally freak out and think the worse things possible. Sometimes I've thought that having kids was a mistake because they have the possibility of going through something as horrific as some of the other children in this world.

Don't judge me for taking this way of thinking. I really don't know any other way. It's hard not to turn the other way when I honestly feel like there isn't a lot me myself and I can do to change any of this. I'm only one person and if I got a few people on board there would be maybe 10 people. 10 people can't make the sort of changes that need to happen in America. But I've NEVER voted and for that I'm ashamed. But again my one vote really would it change anything? Some of you think yes, some of you think no and me well I don't know. I've been watching things and learning things and I've been wishing that things weren't so messed up in this world. It is insane the things that happen behind closed doors in the government. I honestly recommend ANYONE that reads my blog (is there anyone out there that actually reads my blogs? Hey Jo thanks for reading!) to watch Capitalism- A love story.

I've also watched a few documentaries on the war we have going on in Iraq... I just wanted to take this second to thank every single one of you who have fought, who are fighting and who have died fighting for our country... for me, for my children. Whether the war is right, whether it is wrong you are there you are fighting and for you I am FOREVER thankful!!!

So I've begun thinking... What can I do for America, for our people... what can you do?

Valentines day...

My son does not get to celebrate Valentines day at school... they have changed it to "Friendship Day"...

My only point with this is ARE YOU SERIOUS? What would be the reason for that change. It's not a religious holiday...

So tell me did your schools change Valentines day for you guys?

I honestly think it's nuts and I don't get it and I don't like it.!

Dec.26th, 2005

5 years ago to the date above I lost a child. It had to have been one of the more difficult things for me to go through... it has changed me forever, and it has opened my eyes to how often it happens to women.

I would NEVER ever wish that feeling of loss on anyone. It is a feeling you cannot describe and it's a feeling you go through almost alone. I had no idea then how many people I would watch go through such a loss but at least I've been able to reach out and let them know they are not alone. Because when I was going through it I felt alone.

I remember laying on my floor in our tv room just laying there watching the tv... I wasn't watching, I was just laying there being there but I wasn't there. I was empty and lost and so upset and could never imagine why God would allow for me to feel that pain. I still don't understand it. My doctor called me later that week to check up on me and he told me that it was nothing that I did, it was my bodies way of helping because it was more than likely something wrong with the baby. But still that did not ease my pain. I remember I was mad at the world, I was mad at everyone. I lashed out at people who were having babies, lashed out when I should have been there for those people. But how could I be happy for something I wanted so badly?

I often catch myself from time to time going back to that day and remembering every feeling and every emotions. I remember sitting at the top of the stairs in Mike's arms crying and sobbing and he tried so hard to comfort me but there was nothing he could do. It took us over a year to conceive again and I was so terrified that I would lose that baby to. Luckily though Annalise was born healthy and a bundle of joy! :) So everyday with my children I am thankful that I was given the opportunity to be their mother and I pray someday I'll be able to meet that baby I carried for such a short period of time. It's crazy to me how much I desperately loved that baby and how desperately I wished I could have held that baby in my arms...

Merry Christmas!

I hope that everyone has a very wonderful and Merry Christmas!!!

Over it...

I totally told Mike today that I do not want ANYTHING for Christmas... And he thinks that's wrong I should have to open something. But truthfully with out any drama or attention involved I really don't want anything.

I'm sorta over the Christmas thing. I don't know what it was but something just totally knocked the wind out of it for me. It's lost the warm and fuzzy feeling I've always remembered and is far to focused on gifts. All I want to do is watch my children open their gifts and see their joy and excitement... but I do not want anything and I do not need anything. SERIOUS!

I'd rather not buy anyone any gifts, I'd rather it be more meaningful. I'm working on a few HANDMADE gifts... I hope I get the feeling of Christmas back...