July is a crazy busy month!

I haven't gotten any new cloths since this whole thing started. I get so frustrated because I love shopping... but I lie because our family went on a mini vacation back to the place where Mike and I met, the place where Jared was born- Spokane!!! When we were there we got a couple of shirts and yes they were all made in the U.S.A... I'm proud of that, so super proud of that!

A lot of things have happened this month and are going to be happening this month. On July 13th it will be Mike and I's 10 year anniversary of our first date. Can you believe that? I can't, seriously where has the time gone? Our first date I can still remember everything that happened that day. I remember what I wore, what we did. It's amazing to me that was the first day of forever.

July 14th will be Jared's 9th birthday. My son is going to be 9 years old, that in itself is throwing me through a loop. Honestly I cannot believe how fast these 9 years have gone with my son. It is amazing and it is sad. He is the most handsome boy I've ever met. He is sweet, he is gentle. He has the biggest most amazing heart of anyone and I've never been prouder of my boy! But I must say time really needs to slow down a bit. It's hard for me to catch up to all that's going on, but then I wouldn't change it for a minuet. Weird how that works out huh?

I hope that every one's July has been wonderful, more updates to come!

Helpless and Heartbroken...

I watched a documentary today... I've been watching them a lot. This one was called 'The Devil Came on Horseback'... This was about what is going on in Darfur.

I don't know why (well I do know why) I hide myself away so much from what is going on in the world. But I do know why... Things effect me very very very much. I get crazy scared feelings of bad things happening, it cripples me and I'm scared for me and my family. So I tend to take steps away from the news and the things that go on to protect my thoughts and to "protect me". I am not sure why I've gotten so into these documentaries. I've watched a lot about Iraq and the wars going on there, I've watch them on our Government, I've watched them about the food we eat. And can I just say right now that...

WE LIVE IN A VERY F'D UP WORLD! I am so sick to my stomach from the things I've been learning and the things I've seen and I am scared to my core about where this is all heading. Maybe I need to reassess where I am at in my life, maybe the things I learned in church needs to be back into my current life now. I remember when I was a junior in high school I went on a mission trip to Mexico and dug poop ditches for the people in this small town and helped build a youth church... and I played games with the little kids in Mexico. I saw a part of the world I hadn't and I was a part of it for such a small time, but those images and those people still are in my thoughts on a constant basis.

Watching the one on Darfur reminds me of the things I learned in school and a report I did on Rwanda... I wish I had the right words to describe the movie, or to describe my thoughts now. But I pray with all my soul and all my heart and all my being that my son and daughter do not ever have to see or deal with any of this... I know they will but I wish this world could offer more than these horrid images and these horrid things in this life.

It makes me thankful for ALL the things I have in my life and all the things I take for granted. It makes me thank my ever loving lucky stars that I can (for the most part) be free and safe and warm and not hungry! Yes I have struggles and a lot of us do... but really in comparison to what the people in Darfur are going through, the people in Iraq... the people EVERY WHERE. My heart is so broken for the families that get killed and the innocent children that get killed, burned, shot, beaten, raped. I mean seriously babies, children... women, men. The sicker thought on this is that it's another human that is doing this to these people, AND FOR WHAT- WHAT? The color of their skin, their religion... SERIOUSLY WHAT? I wish with all I have that me one person could do enough in this world to rid some of this stuff, I wish I could do something... I feel I have to do something, I need to do something. But watching these documentaries I get angry because I have no idea how to do anything, I don't know where to begin... and I'm angry that people even let this continue. I have often caught myself saying- "Why is it the USA's responsibility to help!" Why can't they just figure it out themselves, why do we have to send our troops our loved ones to help such a messed up place?... But I take it back, if we can we should because babies are dying... little kids, moms and dads. It's not just the 'bad' people that are getting taken out, it's not just the bad versus the good, the president versus the military (whatever)... it's INNOCENT people trying to live their lives like you and I...

I am at such a loss with this, I feel like this blog is going no where... but I am so broken and hurt at this moment that I wish wish wish I could do something. For now I'll go cry and pray for those babies, those babies that could be our babies... those children that want nothing more in this world than to grow up and live the life they deserve... because EVERYONE DESERVES TO LIVE THE LIFE THEY WERE MEANT TO LIVE!!!

Dec.26th, 2005

5 years ago to the date above I lost a child. It had to have been one of the more difficult things for me to go through... it has changed me forever, and it has opened my eyes to how often it happens to women.

I would NEVER ever wish that feeling of loss on anyone. It is a feeling you cannot describe and it's a feeling you go through almost alone. I had no idea then how many people I would watch go through such a loss but at least I've been able to reach out and let them know they are not alone. Because when I was going through it I felt alone.

I remember laying on my floor in our tv room just laying there watching the tv... I wasn't watching, I was just laying there being there but I wasn't there. I was empty and lost and so upset and could never imagine why God would allow for me to feel that pain. I still don't understand it. My doctor called me later that week to check up on me and he told me that it was nothing that I did, it was my bodies way of helping because it was more than likely something wrong with the baby. But still that did not ease my pain. I remember I was mad at the world, I was mad at everyone. I lashed out at people who were having babies, lashed out when I should have been there for those people. But how could I be happy for something I wanted so badly?

I often catch myself from time to time going back to that day and remembering every feeling and every emotions. I remember sitting at the top of the stairs in Mike's arms crying and sobbing and he tried so hard to comfort me but there was nothing he could do. It took us over a year to conceive again and I was so terrified that I would lose that baby to. Luckily though Annalise was born healthy and a bundle of joy! :) So everyday with my children I am thankful that I was given the opportunity to be their mother and I pray someday I'll be able to meet that baby I carried for such a short period of time. It's crazy to me how much I desperately loved that baby and how desperately I wished I could have held that baby in my arms...

3rd grade and Football!

So above is my 3rd grader. This is the only picture he would let me take and I'm not pleased with this one as it is! He does NOT like me taking his picture and he hardly even let me walk him to school. I swear I am not one of those moms, I just like to go with my kid on the first day of school. I have since he was in Kindergarten... but this year it made him very angry with me!

Anyway my little boy isn't so little anymore...

He is a very very busy guy! He started 3rd grade and then we threw him into football last minuet. Although he doesn't know much about it he's starting to like it and yesterday I was able to go to one of his practices. I watched my little baby boy get tackled and you know what? I CRIED! I did and I quickly wiped my tears so my son and my husband did not see because they would not understand. But he (Jared) is my first born the reason I am a mother. And to watch someone take my son down to the ground with all his force hurt me probably more than it hurt him, but either way my job is to protect my son not allow others to kick his butt. Jared is a bit skittish about tackling other's but I told him last night he has full permission from me to just tackle someone straight to the ground- "KICK THERE ASS JARED! But once they are down it's done walk away!" He laughed at me!!!

So we are in for a busy year, which I'm enjoying already except getting up earlier sucks! I sorta liked being able to sleep in, it's been a long time since I can say that happened. So I'll try and get some pictures up of my football player, his first game is this Saturday. I am proud of the little man he is becoming as much as I'd like for him to stay little I am very proud of who he is!

Jet Plane...

today I feel like I want to get on a jet plane and never come back... Sometimes it gets to be to much for me. My husband isn't feeling well and is taking it out on me... and it's not like it's been for the past couple of days. I can handle days, but weeks- DONE! My daughter has decided that she is gonna whine about EVERYTHING and honestly I want to pull my f-ing hair out-DONE! My son pulls at my strings and my buttons all day, he tries to see how far he can go and honestly-DONE!

I am constantly being told what I could do better, what I'm not doing right. I feel like I don't want to go anywhere with my children because they just aren't being the best lately. I don't even want to go into the things I'm dealing with in other aspects because then I feel like I'll be whining and taking what I have for granted. (because I've been told I do that to.)

At some point in my life I'd like for someone to tell me something good about me. I'd like for the positive to be pointed out not the negative. I'd like for the stars to line up just right and my kids not push every button possible, not totally be disrespectful... just be the happy kids they usually are. I'd like my house to STAY CLEAN, I'd like to NEVER do laundry again. I'd like to NEVER be compared to another human being again... I'd like for one day of peace or more... I'd like to be the apple in someones eye!!! Hopefully this to shall pass and we'll be better tomorrow.

DONE!!!

Softball...

So Mike started playing softball with some of the people at his work. I guess they are starting a team. Anyway, Mike really wants me to play also. (I used to play when I was younger)... So for mothers day he got me some softball stuff. A glove, balls and a PINK baseball shirt! Mandy also got a mitt so she could play with us to.

We went to the park yesterday and played around, I got to hit a few balls... surprisingly enough I can still hit and I can still catch the ball. Even though I was a bit scared of being hit by the ball, I did pretty good for not playing in YEARS!

So there is another thing our family has started doing. It was actually awesome today. Mandy, Tia, all the kids and Mike went to the park again today (mothers day) and hit some balls around. I sat there and watched my husband coach Jared and just fell in love with my family all over again. We've evolved into a better family. It seems to get a little better everyday. Getting outdoors is helping me with my stress and my migraines... and my depression! (maybe my doctor was right).

So I've started working out at the gym, softball and scrapbooking... on top of 4 kids and keeping my household up. Lets see how I do?