Helpless and Heartbroken...

I watched a documentary today... I've been watching them a lot. This one was called 'The Devil Came on Horseback'... This was about what is going on in Darfur.

I don't know why (well I do know why) I hide myself away so much from what is going on in the world. But I do know why... Things effect me very very very much. I get crazy scared feelings of bad things happening, it cripples me and I'm scared for me and my family. So I tend to take steps away from the news and the things that go on to protect my thoughts and to "protect me". I am not sure why I've gotten so into these documentaries. I've watched a lot about Iraq and the wars going on there, I've watch them on our Government, I've watched them about the food we eat. And can I just say right now that...

WE LIVE IN A VERY F'D UP WORLD! I am so sick to my stomach from the things I've been learning and the things I've seen and I am scared to my core about where this is all heading. Maybe I need to reassess where I am at in my life, maybe the things I learned in church needs to be back into my current life now. I remember when I was a junior in high school I went on a mission trip to Mexico and dug poop ditches for the people in this small town and helped build a youth church... and I played games with the little kids in Mexico. I saw a part of the world I hadn't and I was a part of it for such a small time, but those images and those people still are in my thoughts on a constant basis.

Watching the one on Darfur reminds me of the things I learned in school and a report I did on Rwanda... I wish I had the right words to describe the movie, or to describe my thoughts now. But I pray with all my soul and all my heart and all my being that my son and daughter do not ever have to see or deal with any of this... I know they will but I wish this world could offer more than these horrid images and these horrid things in this life.

It makes me thankful for ALL the things I have in my life and all the things I take for granted. It makes me thank my ever loving lucky stars that I can (for the most part) be free and safe and warm and not hungry! Yes I have struggles and a lot of us do... but really in comparison to what the people in Darfur are going through, the people in Iraq... the people EVERY WHERE. My heart is so broken for the families that get killed and the innocent children that get killed, burned, shot, beaten, raped. I mean seriously babies, children... women, men. The sicker thought on this is that it's another human that is doing this to these people, AND FOR WHAT- WHAT? The color of their skin, their religion... SERIOUSLY WHAT? I wish with all I have that me one person could do enough in this world to rid some of this stuff, I wish I could do something... I feel I have to do something, I need to do something. But watching these documentaries I get angry because I have no idea how to do anything, I don't know where to begin... and I'm angry that people even let this continue. I have often caught myself saying- "Why is it the USA's responsibility to help!" Why can't they just figure it out themselves, why do we have to send our troops our loved ones to help such a messed up place?... But I take it back, if we can we should because babies are dying... little kids, moms and dads. It's not just the 'bad' people that are getting taken out, it's not just the bad versus the good, the president versus the military (whatever)... it's INNOCENT people trying to live their lives like you and I...

I am at such a loss with this, I feel like this blog is going no where... but I am so broken and hurt at this moment that I wish wish wish I could do something. For now I'll go cry and pray for those babies, those babies that could be our babies... those children that want nothing more in this world than to grow up and live the life they deserve... because EVERYONE DESERVES TO LIVE THE LIFE THEY WERE MEANT TO LIVE!!!