A smile from inside-

Yesterday I took an inventory of my emotions. I've struggled with them as some of you know. I have felt lost, I've felt lonely and I've felt a ton more emotions!

I decided about a month ago that I was done feeling sorry for myself (sorta) and I was gonna turn my frustrations and love towards the two people who deserved it the most. My kids (and me, I deserve my love)... Well yesterday and I'm not sure when this was, but for a moment I truly felt happy.

I've been frustrated with Mike and some things that go along with that. But for the most part I felt a sense of happiness, my insides actually smiled. I didn't really know that could happen! :)

I am by no means cured of the struggles I'm going through. But I have done a lot of soul searching and decision making and for once a peace was about me that I enjoyed. So I'm hoping that was a stepping stone to better things. I'm also excited for summer because I am making an active effort to get out and do more things with my kids. We have already two weekends in a row so I'm proud of myself. If anyone has any good summer ideas please let me know!

So

I'm going to start living. I know this may seem weird to some, but I sorta live in this cocoon of life. I'm so overwhelmed with where my life is. I thought I was making good changes, but instead I'm just over thinking everything.

My new agenda is this. I'm going to LIVE life. I'm not going to worry about what everyone else is doing and what everyone else is doing with out me. Instead I'm going to pick my children up and live through them. They are not going to fix me, but I'm going to be the mother they deserve. I'm going to watch every smile and listen to every laugh and remember that they are my children and they deserve to be happy as much as I do. They ARE the reason I wake up every morning, they are the reason I am alive. I want to see the world through their eyes, because right now they only see the good. It's sad that I have to see the world for the broken place it has become. But WHY cannot I live like they do? They are my anti-depressant!

So starting now the kids and I are going to start getting out and doing things and explore this place. I don't know what to do around here, but we'll figure it out. I'm going to break out of this damn comfort zone I have and break out into this world. No one said it was easy, although I wish it was. But someone told me something that sorta hit a nerve and I have to pick myself up, it's time.

'Don't judge me because you don't know me, just listen because that's what I need. Pick me up when I've fallen but don't put bandages on my knees... I have to start feeling the pain in order for me to heal.'

First I'll start by saying that I have been blogging, but not publishing them. I have a lot of things going on in my head right now and it's probably a good thing I don't post it all... But today I'm going to post.

I'll start with one awesome thing. My daughter is AMAZING!!! Every time music comes on, if I'm searching the web or what not we totally break out and dance and sing. It's the funniest thing and makes me so happy. I love love love my daughters personality and it brings out the best in me. She is the BEST anti-depressant out there. So if you need a little uplift for the day come dance and shake your booty with my daughter!

Onto something that really bothers me and has for a long time. I've said it before on previous posts, but why in the hell do the things I post here or on facebook or myspace effect people. I see post from people on a daily basis talking about how crappy their day has been or that they are sad, or whatever it might be... do they get as much crap as I do for posting that stuff? And do I really care, NO NO NO! Every time someone makes a comment about me bitching or complaining, I go through and look at posts and really truthfully all I'm being is honest. Do people not except honesty? And do I really care? Again, NO NO NO!

All I'm doing right now is venting, cause I am so sick of it. I have started to remove and block people who can't except me for me. I'm not all butterflies and flowers... giggles and laughs. I'm real and I'm going through real shit. I'm not gonna post lies and fake stuff just to spare people my reality. Granted I don't post all the crap I'm going through, but it's nice to be able to get stuff off your chest/mind and sometimes have people give you advice or encouragement.

So as I've said before. If you don't like the things I write, the comments I make, or the reality I put out there, THEN STOP READING MY CRAP!!! It should not effect you that much that you have to make a comment about it on my page or through an email or to someone else. Keep it to yourself. I live my life for me, for my children, not for you and your benifit. I don't live my life through rose colored glasses either!!! So either deal with what I have to say or move onto someone else!

Ok I feel better... Now I'm gonna go rock out with my daughter!!!

I wish...

So I've decided that I'm making some big changes in my life. I seriously wish that I could tell you what all those changes are. But one, I don't know what they all are and two I don't know who reads this and I need to keep some things private until they are completely figured out.

The one I will share with you now is that I've taken up POWER walking, and a short sprint (run)... I say short because the first day I tried to run I thought I was going to die. NO JOKE! I couldn't breath and I was so mad at myself. So instead of running I just power walked. I did that two days in a row and I was sooooo sore after. But I was happy that I was sore because that meant that I was doing something right. The only thing that I am not enjoying is the pain I have in my shins. It's sooo hard.

After the two days of walking I got sick. I had one of the worst migraines I've had in a long time and nothing I did would make it go away. So for two and a half days I did nothing, no walking just was in pain. This morning I awoke again at 6am determined to walk and my shins hurt so freaking bad again that I couldn't go as long as I had the first 2 days. I hope that this gets better, because this is something I want and need really bad. I have a lot of things to sort out in my life and my brain... walking/running is going to help me at least clear my head and get some perspective (I hope), at least a dear friend of mine has told me that it would.

As for the other stuff. I'll go into little detail. I've posted that I struggle with depression. Well I'm on medication to help that, but my doctor suggested that I make some life style changes... hence the running/walking. But I also need to figure out who I am. Because I feel like I've lost myself. I feel like I have NO idea who I am. I wasn't sure what or when or how I lost me, but I'm so sad that that has happened. So in another part of my BIG CHANGES, I'm going to work on finding me and what makes me tick and how I can make me happy again. In order for my life to be stable and everyone to be happy, I need to be happy first. I think last night I was able to pinpoint one reason for my unhappiness and my untrust in life. But that is one thing I cannot blog about because I do not want to hurt anyone that it involves. The only thing I'll say about that, is that it was a while back and it was a HUGE mile marker in my life and some others as well.

So there you know a little of what is going on in my life, and I say little cause you have NO IDEA how crazy it has been. But I'm hoping that I'll get back into blogging and getting some of this shit off my chest, God knows I need to get it off my chest. I wish I didn't have to filter it so much, so maybe you'll get parts of it and a personal journal will get the rest!

Thanks for listening, or reading I guess!!!

Past...

Yesterday Mike and I were going through stuff in the garage. I came across some stuff from my 'past', my childhood, my high school years.

I had this scrapbook that I made from memories and old boyfriends... It actually made me cry. I remembered the pains and the joys I went through when I was younger. I am so thankful I don't have to go through all the dating and breaking up. But for some reason it made me sad to remember all that stuff that I went through.

I love memories and I'm glad that I kept that stuff. But it was just weird remembering them again. I read some of my old poems and they were good, but they were so dark and so sad. Was I really always that sad, maybe my depression stems way back...

Anyway, it was interesting opening that part of my past that I shut away so long ago!

Here you go...

I'm not sure where I start with this blog... this has been something in my life since I met Mike and always something I've wondered about... Let me go back a step further and I'll explain. But I'm gonna be honest that I'm not gonna say to much about the whole story of 'before' cause it's not my story to completely tell.

Mike has a dad! You might think that's funny, but really it's not. When I met Mike shortly after that I met his whole family. His mom, and his 3 sisters. But I NEVER met his dad. We would talk briefly about him but his dad "hated" all of them so it was likely that I'd never know him and Mike would never want to know him again. It's not that tragic of a story, the details I'll spare but we'll just say that Mikes dad did not take kindly to his wife getting a divorce from him and some other things that happened... but that's just the way things happened and well get over it. It didn't just start then, it probably started when Mike was 11 or 13, I can't remember to much of the details but his Dad ended up being a pretty mean guy.



I don't know why I couldn't grasp how Mike never wanted to know anymore about his dad or ever wondered how he was. I guess maybe because I really had a wonderful dad I just couldn't imagine the void of not having a dad... but I've gone 7+ years thinking often of Mikes dad and wondering of the void left in each of his kids lives since he could care less about them, or the fact that he has 4 grandkids. He often has said that he doesn't have kids to the faces of his children.



So my thoughts of this only grew stronger as soon as we moved down in the same town that his father lives. I'd always hoped to run into him or at least see him. I've never even seen him besides pictures. His other siblings see him around town all the time, when we eat at this famous breakfast place I will look out the window and look at his house where he lives, because I know where he lives and it's right across the street from the place we go to eat sometimes. I don't talk to Mike about this often, because he DOES not understand and does not care to ever see him again.



Well this brings you current and then it'll explain to you what happened to me Friday night. I really wanted to go see a movie so I invited my sis in laws. We went to dinner and then headed to the movies... our luck though it was sold out. So we needed to find something else to do because we are moms and it was a night out without kids and we needed the night out. We decided to go to the Casino and gamble... We didn't know that walking into those Casino doors would cross something off my list of things I either need to do or wanted to do.



There was his dad sitting at a table playing Keno with his girlfriend Ana. She knows one of my sis in laws from where she works and that is a whole other story. But we stopped for a second to say hello and their dad of course said nothing. We were headed to the bathroom so we scooted along. We stood there in shock about who we had just run into... and then Ana came in and told us that it would be a good idea if we stop by and talk with them on our way out... if we didn't mind.

So we talked with him briefly and so I finally met his Dad...

Where we go from here I won't know cause Mike does NOT want him in our lives... but I'll take it for what it is now and we'll see what happens in the future!!!

sorry!!!

So I haven't had the time to update from my last blog I am so sorry.. It is almost complete and I will post it soon!

Promise!