Dec. 26th, 2005

I've kept this story close to my heart... I've only shared it with a handful of people, but I read a blog today that made me think of it so I thought maybe it was time to share. Lets see how I do.

Lets start with this. After I had Jared Mike and I decided this would probably be our only child. I'm not exactly sure why we made this decision but at the time I was ok with it. But for one reason or another shortly after Jared turned 2 I started feeling like I wanted another. I would tell Mike every once in a while that I wanted another, but it came on deaf ears. I remember the Christmas, I believe it was the Christmas of 2004 Mike told me that we could try for another. You have NOOO idea how excited I was and from that moment on all I could think about was his words and what that meant.

Just after I started working back at Allstate (from Statefarm) I found out that I was pregnant and I was OVER joyed. I remember taking the test upstairs in my bathroom and I screamed soooo loud. I called Mike and I told him and he paused and said nothing. I could tell it freaked him out. I could not contain my excitement and I called and told a lot of people, even though I knew I should probably keep it to myself. The next day I went to work and told my office manager. I had asked her to keep it to herself until I had a chance to go to the doctors, although she decided to tell my corporate director who proceeded to tell me how awful this was. (granted I had only been back about 2 weeks, but seriously the things she said were horrible).

We did decide not to tell all of our family since my sister in-law Mandy was pregnant with Ryker... we were gonna wait until we went to the doctors and wait until after the holidays to tell EVERYONE. I remember Christmas day we had driven down to Lacey and spent the day opening presents and all I could think about was this baby in my tummy. I was overjoyed!!!

Dec. 26th, 2005. I was getting ready to go to bed, we had tucked Jared into bed and I was just about to lay down when I had to go to the bathroom... that was the worst moment of my life. My toilet paper was RED and at that moment my life forever changed. I could not control the emotions and I laid on the floor in Mikes arms as I cried and cried and cried. I remember Mike kept trying to reassure me that this was "normal"... but I knew, I knew I had lost our baby and it was the worst pain I have ever felt... it was not the physical pain, it was the emotional pain that still from time to time haunts me!

The next day I decided to head to work and try to get this behind me. I told my office manager what had happened and asked her to let everyone know but quietly so that I didn't hear it... I remember when she told my corporate director, she was speechless and went into her office and didn't come out for some time... I think she realized what she said and for one brief moment in her life she felt bad, that's not normal if you know the lady. I only lasted until probably lunch time and I went home. I went in to get some blood work the next day and my doctor called me in the evening and told me that it showed that I was probably only about 4 or 5 weeks along and he asked if I was doing alright. He told me that I did nothing wrong for this to happen and that sometimes these things happen because something may have been wrong with the baby. He told me I should wait about 3 cycles before we try again, but everything was gonna be ok. I didn't believe him!

It took us about a year after that to get pregnant again, and that was hard in itself... that year was a hard year for me. I remember when I found out I was pregnant with Anna, I was so scared... because of my previous miscarriage my doctor scheduled me for an ultrasound and because I had been spotting to. I remember when we were in the room getting the ultrasound I was so scared and I prayed and prayed and asked God to please let all of this be ok. When I heard the heartbeat and saw her for the first time on the screen I asked the tech if he was sure and he said, "Yes, there is your baby... look!"... and I cried!

My heart breaks every time I hear someone's story of loss due to miscarriage, it's a pain you really cannot even fathom and I would never ever ever wish it on anyone. It's a pain that really has no words and I don't think it's something you can ever really heal from. So really I am not just a mother of 2, I am a mother of 3... and I wish I could have met that little one, but I will someday and maybe that little one is looking down on us!

Ok so enough of the somberness of this blog... I will post about my wonderful Christmas this year probably this afternoon, but no promises! I really hope you all had a GREAT Christmas!!!